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Ask Azrael |
Ask Azrael GeoCities newest Agony Uncle is here to help. So wear your heart on your
sleeves and tell him your problems you losers! Return to Satanic Lullabies Goto Page 2 Goto Page 3Dear Azrael, I am a sixteen year old male from Grafton, Australia and I am unlucky in my lovelife. I am tall, pigeon toed, confident - some say arrogant, sleazy and have black greasy hair and small pig-like eyes - an essential for any Casanova. But for some reason most females I meet spit in my face, faint or run away screaming. Why can't I find Miss Right or failing that just find a one night stand for some sex? - Lonely, 16 Well the reason is obvious. You are simply totally ugly and extremely unattractive to the opposite sex. The only escape that I can see to a life of painful solitude is suicide. Asphyxiation is painless you know. - Azrael Dear Azrael, Please help me for I have no idea what to do. In a bizarre attempt to gain some friends I started to dress like a homeboy, with long shorts with low crotches, silly hats, lots of corduroy and a good lathering of gel. However strangely enough people either ignore me or are down right hostile using cruel jibes like 'polyester', 'homes' and sometimes 'sad old git'. What should I do? -Pathetic, 16 Maybe just go back to wearing real clothes? If not move to the US, there's plenty of other freaks there. -Azrael Dear Azrael, I am Prince Otto, Pretender to the Throne of Falminica. I have not seen my homeland for ten years, which was when my father and mother where shot dead by fanatical communist-anarchists and a brutal communist regime set up. Since then I have suffered seventeen assassination attempts and have lost both legs and had thirteen bullets removed from my chest. My wife died of cancer and my children were kidnapped, raped and murdered by a gang of paedophiles. Anyway my question is: How do I get red wine stains out of carpet? - Anxious, 32 Try marmoset urine. -Azrael Dear Azrael, I am a sixteen year old male, blonde hair, blue eyes, wonderful physique but I find it difficult to make friends. This may be due to my horrible personality, head bobbing, strange sudden arm movements or general annoyingness but I feel there is more to it than that? What have I done to deserve this life? - Pissed off, 16 God is punishing you and until you come out of the closet and admit your homosexuality is evil he will continue to punish you, Sinner! Sinner! - Azrael, acting on the advice of Cardinal Gary Dear Azrael, I'm a 16 year old attractive, well ok, extremely sexy, young chick who always seems to attract guys with whom her best friend has a major crush on. Am I just to cool for my own good? How can I become less attractive to the opposite sex? I thought going out with Kitley might have done it but, alas, no. By the way.......I'm free Saturday, how about you? - Sexy and loving it, 16 Your problem does indeed seem to stem from being moderately attractive. Try rubbing some cow shit in your face and wear loutish Hawaiian shirts, or failing that, just dress like a lesbian. If you don't want to do this and your friend still has a problem, tell her to come to talk to me (but don't mention I have a set of butcher knifes that would make Jack the Ripper feel inadequate). As for your last comment...sorry I like to make my visits a surprise...so don't leave the house on Sunday... - Azrael Dear Azrael, Thanks for you help before. It really showed me the light, well actually, it didn't because I'm still doing it. Anyway I have another question: There are some very attractive foreign girls I'm trying to seduce, with great pickup lines see email, but when ever I get close I get a strange sensation in my pants. Is this natural? If so, can it be used for anything? - Still Pathetic, 16 Hmmmm....there's a word for that that escapes me at this present moment. What are you worried about git? Go for it you retarded sack of horse shit or someone else will! Sheesh! People will think your frigid... -Azrael Dear Azrael, That's quite a bunch of problems you have there. I happen to know that, when doing your English HSC exam, you stand on one leg and chant "Nanuka Nanuka, Johnny has a big hooker," while wearing a jesters hat and a nappy you will get a UAI of 90+. Failing that at least we'll all get a good laugh. As for your second problem, that's more difficult as I rarely solve problems without violence. Just make your friend pretend to be in a fatal car accident, and then, by default, she won't be going anywhere with him - ever again. -Azrael Dear Azrael, - Desperate girls- 16 & 17 There may be, as you say a problem with your town - but if you think its full of inbred freaks, move to Coffs Harbour - then you will know true fear. Its quite possibly the odour as well though, try bathing in the essence of skunks and seagull saliva. You won't attract any males but you will attract a lot of flies. And as for Simon, well what can I say? We can only give him the best: Get well soon Cowan. - Azrael Dear Azrael, I am a 16 year old boy at a North Coast High School in Australia. My friends keep yelling out this word which I didn't know the meaning of. The word is 'huby'. I have since discovered what it is and am afraid I am one. What should I do. - Maybe a 'huby', 16 You can't be a huby you freak but you can have one. And you DO! Dear Azrael, I am a 16 year female who at the moment is extremely unlucky
in the game of love. All the guys that I seem to take an interest in seem to fall for my
best friend, who by the way now never seems to talk to me! I also have a problem with my
friends teasing me about my big breasts, whatever shall I do? I really need to make up
some names for them! I am also labelled 'mother goose' at the moment. Whatever shall I do
to get rid of this title and find myself an eligible male who will not fall for my best
friend? Buggered if I know. What do you think I actually SOLVE people's problems? I just laugh about them later with my friends....he he...mother goose indeed. - Azrael Hallo Azrael ! A kinky threesome, eh? Sounds interesting...oh wait, I'm supposed to be giving advice. Try talking with your girlfriend about your problem, and if that doesn't work, try yelling, screaming and shouting. If that too doesn't work, try cloning yourself and then suggesting that she spend a night with you and your clone. That way, she still gets her threesome, and you know she's not having sex-relations with anyone except you. It works I tell you...wait, where are you taking me...no...get that jacket off me....ouch...I don't want to get in the white van.... - Azrael
I am in desperate need of your help. I have a
major crush on this immensely gorgeous spunk at school called Aidan Hennessy. He is SOOOOO
hot but he never takes any notice of me. I think he likes this other girl called Katie and
I think she is super cool and I am just a complete and utter social outcast and dumb-ass.
How can I get this guy to like me? What sort of sexual fantasy can I conjure up in him?
PLEASE HELP ME!! Methinks you are in desperate need of help, 'cos this guy sounds like a jerk-off. What I suggest is...no, give me that microphone...don't touch me Aidan....take this....anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah! He likes Katie? That's gotta hurt...wait something's wrong here...Katie 'super-cool'?!? I don't think so... - Azrael Dear Azrael, I am desperate...I need to talk to someone! I am really worried that one homeboy
look-alike will get teased to the sh*thouse when he comes to school with braces, which he
is getting this Friday. They are not the "braces that he needs to hold his pants
up" (comment c\- Woozlewaza) but braces for his teeth. The thing is, the homeboy look
and the braces just don't go. No, they jutht don't go, darling. Anyway, your comments and
views are always appreciated. Nothing goes with the homeboy look - except maybe a few hundred blood-oozing bullet holes. He probably will get teased to the "sh*thouse", but as they say CAVAET EMPTOR! oh wait that means "let the buyer beware". Damn. -Azrael Dear Azrael, I need help immediately! I used to be this pathectic person that was hopelessly flirting with all things remotely female. I wore excessive amounts of corduroy and even used fake tan to the peril of my 'reputation'. But now I have a new problem. I feel myself attracted to the same sex. I can't help but be drawn to a guy at school. His name is Simon, and I hate to say it, but he is really sexy. Help me, what should i do? unhappy in corduroy Ewww....homosexuality is gross enough but Simon? I mean, COME ON! HE'S A FUCKING UGLY PIECE OF CRAP! Wise up buddy, you had two attractive girls after you but to them you virtually said - "No, fuck off I prefer males or fat ugly heifers", or...ah...words to that effect. Heh. - Azrael Dear Azrael, I have a huge problem. Well it's sort of rather large. You see, I am a social pariah. Everything I do around other people, makes them either hit me or run away. I can't help but poke people and grope them. I have an annoying speech impediment that makes me unable to finish sentences. And my bad scalp condition is the but of many jokes. I even think that one of the characters in the brilliant Alchronicles, written by the supreme Guru Al is based on me! It makes fun of my problem! Help me, how can I make people like me? Flaking in distress Scalp Problems? Feeling like a social outcast? Try new JOOKYİ Scalp Rejuvenating Conditioner. Try it! "Hey, it worked for me! I have perfect hair now thanks to JOOKYİ Scalp Rejuvenating Conditioner" - Hitler*! * Max Hitler, a cousin to the much better known Adolf. Ran a weissewurst store in Vienna. - Azrael Dear Azrael, Your so sexxxxxy, free this Friday night? Sex, Yes? Horny now! Errr....do I know you? (Hopefully not...) - Azrael Dear Azrael, I am an attractive, wonderful, absolutley sublime (well I think so) Bavarian girl. Why can I not attract the attention of a certain Australian boy. He isn't gay, I don't think, but he just rejects me. How can I get his attention? Is there something wrong with what I do? I flirted with him from the first time I met him, yet I got no flirting in response. Help me, as I need some sweet loving soon, and he is the one! Although your identity is rather vague, I'll go with
the more likely identification. So, - Azrael All views expressed on this page are solely the views of Azrael Mesphitos and are unrelated to the views of any more of the disparate personalities that make up Aidan Hennessy. Return to Satanic Lullabies Goto Page 2 Goto Page 3 |