Alea iacta est

In the Beginning, Man Created God, Part XIV

Previously on "YHWH's Excellent Adventure"

Part 1: Thus Spoke Zarathustra. In which we learn that YHWH wasn't the first god to want to be alone.

Part 2: YHWH rules, Chemosh drools! In which we learn most of Biblical history was pulled out of King Josiah's backside.

Part 3: By the Rivers of Babylon. In which the Hebrews crib most of their afterlife from the Persians.

Part 4: Alex the Kid in Hellenic World. In which Alexander the Great conquers the known world and everyone learns to love, Greek-style.

Interlude: Danny Boy, the Lions, the Lions are calling. In which Daniel becomes a Prophet despite not knowing the first things about his own surroundings.

Part 5: I ♥ MACCABEES. In which the flame of cosmopolitan Hellenism is snuffed out by religious fundamentalists.

Part 6: Quacks, Kooks and Loons of the Roman Empire. In which we see that the early Roman Empire was a utopia for two bit religious frauds and crazy cults.

Part 7: Would the real Messiah Please Stand Up? - In which we began to example just how much we really know about Jesus.

Part 8: The Greatest Story Ever Made Up - In which we see as the four gospels progressively transform Jesus from Jewish messiah and adopted son of god into the ever-co-eternal Logos and saviour of mankind

Part 9: Speaking in Tongues - In which early Christianity is finally torn from its Jewish roots, and gentiles steer the religion to a far different future than its founders intended.

Part 10: I, Constantine - In which Christianity is Romanized, and becomes the state religion of one of the greatest powers of the world.

Part 11: You say homoousios, I say Homoiousios - Christians agree to disagree, then disagree to that, and start fighting each other.

Part 12: Rock the Kaaba! - a lesson in prophecy from the Wrecker of Mecca.

Up next...

Part 13: Just makin' it up as you go along.

The laws, rules and cultural mores that a billion Muslims worldwide are expected to live their lives to are, contrary to popular belief, not drawn from the Qu'ran - not surprising for such a disjointed, tedious work mainly concerned with describing the Hell that awaits unbelievers and the intricate details of inconsequential seventh century battles.

Most of what we consider indicative of the Islamic lifestyle comes from the "Hadith", a collection of oral traditions believed by Muslism to convey the sayings and actions of their prophet, the story about how the holy book was put together, and the adventures of Muhammed's own scooby gang of supporters, all transmitted through a medieval version of Chinese whispers. The man responsible for compiling most of them, Bukhari, died 238 years after Muhammed - and Bukhari's Hadith are considered to be among the most reliable and honest!

You'd expect such compilations to be deeply flawed - and indeed it is, and on a scale that might astonish people. Consider that of the three hundred thousand oral traditions Bukhari collected, he alone declared that two-thirds of that were entirely unsupported - in other words, bullshit. Further culling reduced the total of "reasonable" Hadith down to 10,000 - and, as much as Muslims might like to believe, it's entirely likely 99% of those remaining are just as ridiculous.

According to some scholars, such as Ignaz Goldzhier most of the Hadith are blatant plagarisations of earlier religious works - Jewish, Christians, Zoroastrian, Hellenic philosophy, some stuff from as far away as India and, surprise, surprise, a "word-for-word reproduction of the Lord's prayer." Even Islamic scholars would later have to characterise some Hadith into categories such as "lies told for material gain" and "lies told for ideological advantage".

Above: Spreading the word of God, one Hadith at a time.

Most Muslims are unfamiliar with the guts of the Hadith (and indeed, the Qu'ran itself) so reading the things for the first time can often be a confronting experience. (I once had an Afghan housemate who swore blind that the requirement for women to wear hijabs was in the Qu'ran. Nope - the Hadith.) But they should not be dismayed - for there is lots of cool and, yes, hilarious stuff in there. Along with some truly mindboggling pieces of filth.

Firstly. Jinn. They're in there, and in a big way. For those who don't know, Jinn are a pre-Islamic Arab pagan concept that managed to find itself grandfathered into Islam, uneasily sharing space with the Persian concept of angels and the Greek demons in Islam. Muslims believe that Jinn, like angels, were created by God though, unlike angels, Jinn have free will. And they are made of smoke. Iblis, the big-bad of Islam, was a Jinn who refused God's demand to give in to idolatry and worship Adam. Bad man, standing up for God's own rules and all.

Muhammed was a big believer in Jinn. Those nasty smoke demons could be found in the toilet, in your nose and in the bodies of your enemies. Despite what Disney tells us, they were very rarely found in lamps, and never sounded like Robin Williams.

Above: Mr Muhammed sir, what will your pleasure be?

Other stuff you may have missed:

• God turned Jews into pigs and rats! (Bukhari IV, 524)
• Which of a child's parents they resemble depends on which one orgasmed first in conception. Divine consent to be a premature ejaculator? (Bukhari IV, 546)
• The "Seal of Prophets" mentioned in the Qu'ran? Nothing more than a big, ugly birthmark on Muhammed's back. Lame. (Bukhari I, 189; Bukhari IV, no 741)
• Adam was 90 feet tall. I sure hope Eve was as well, or that was some damn painful lovemaking. (Bukhari IV, 543)
• Muslims have one intestine, non-Muslims have seven. Rather hilariously, medical science says both those answers are wrong. Poor Allah, it's hard to be shown to be an idiot years later. (Muslim III, 513)
• Muhammed forgot parts of the Qu'ran. Whoops! (Bukhari VI, 558; Bukhari VI, 562)
• Hell is mainly populated by women. Guess heaven is major sausage-fest, eh? (Bukhari I, 28; Bukhari I, 301; Bukhari II, 161)
• Muhammed runs away from an eclipse. Pansy. (Bukhari II, 167)
• Muhammed was....a white guy!
(Bukhari I, 63, 121, 141)
• ....with red hair! (Bukhari I, 167)
• Muhammed was a filthy paedophile who married a six year old and deflowered her at nine. (Bukhari V, 234, 236)
• ...and a racist who thought black people looked like raisins. (Bukhari I, 662)
• Muhammed's "visions" bearing clear resemblance to an epileptic fit or stroke (Too many Hadith to list)

So there you have it. God's final and most perfect prophet was a ginger-haired paedophile. Believe the Hadith, and you'll believe just about anything.

Then again, maybe it shows that South Park is right after all.

Gingers are evil!