Alea iacta est

In the Beginning, Man Created God, Part XV

Previously on "YHWH's Excellent Adventure"

Part 1: Thus Spoke Zarathustra. In which we learn that YHWH wasn't the first god to want to be alone.

Part 2: YHWH rules, Chemosh drools! In which we learn most of Biblical history was pulled out of King Josiah's backside.

Part 3: By the Rivers of Babylon. In which the Hebrews crib most of their afterlife from the Persians.

Part 4: Alex the Kid in Hellenic World. In which Alexander the Great conquers the known world and everyone learns to love, Greek-style.

Interlude: Danny Boy, the Lions, the Lions are calling. In which Daniel becomes a Prophet despite not knowing the first things about his own surroundings.

Part 5: I ♥ MACCABEES. In which the flame of cosmopolitan Hellenism is snuffed out by religious fundamentalists.

Part 6: Quacks, Kooks and Loons of the Roman Empire. In which we see that the early Roman Empire was a utopia for two bit religious frauds and crazy cults.

Part 7: Would the real Messiah Please Stand Up? - In which we began to example just how much we really know about Jesus.

Part 8: The Greatest Story Ever Made Up - In which we see as the four gospels progressively transform Jesus from Jewish messiah and adopted son of god into the ever-co-eternal Logos and saviour of mankind

Part 9: Speaking in Tongues - In which early Christianity is finally torn from its Jewish roots, and gentiles steer the religion to a far different future than its founders intended.

Part 10: I, Constantine - In which Christianity is Romanized, and becomes the state religion of one of the greatest powers of the world.

Part 11: You say homoousios, I say Homoiousios - Christians agree to disagree, then disagree to that, and start fighting each other.

Part 12: Rock the Kaaba! - a lesson in prophecy from the Wrecker of Mecca.

Part 13: Just makin' it up as you go along - Hundreds of millions of Muslims worldwide see every facet of their life controlled by laws that seem to have been conjured up out of nowhere.

Up next...

Part 14: Ashura Smackdown - Husayn vs. Yazid

This episode may seem a little dry, but don't worry, I'm going to end on a joke.

As you begin to compare all the religions humans have invented to comfort themselves in a time of need, a familiar sort of pattern begins to fall into place. First there is the charismatic founder, and his initial tight band of followers. Then follows the initial growth period which is brought to a halt usually by the death of the founder. Then, in nearly all of these, comes the next stage - the splintering.

Christianity's founder died so early in his mission that the splintering was to occur early, and last until a second strong, focal point could be found (Rome). For Islam the splintering may have occured slightly later in the timeline, but, perhaps as a consequence, was even more violent.

After the Prophet Mohammed's death, the fledgling religion was thrown into disarray. In traditional Arab tradition, which Islam drew on so heavily, there were usually two methods of succession - a traditional, hereditary father-son line as seen elsewhere in the world, and a more tribal sort of succession, where power passed to the next "capable" male in the tribe.

Mohammed had one child - a daughter, Fatima, who was married off to one of Mohammed's cousins, a guy named Ali. Since there were no sons of the old Prophet, the leadership position - "Caliph" - a term deriving from "successor of the messenger" in Arabic - rotated for the first few iterations through a variety of bearded buddies who had been lootin' and pillagin' with dearly departed Mo.

Consider it a sort of "gangster-ocracy".

Above: (back row, from left) Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman, Ali. (front) Hasan

Most of what we consider "Islam" comes from these guys - Umar was the one who confirmed the inferior status of non-Muslims in Islamic countries. Uthman was the one who allegedly compiled the Qu'ran.

The big problem was that though Ali had hit the marital jackpot by bagging Fatimah, he himself was a pretty piss-poor leader - most of the Caliphate was crumbling under civil unrest in urban centres like Damascus while Ali's sacred arse was resting on a pillow somewhere in Mecca. Pretty soon some assassin put Ali out of his misery, and after Ali's death, his son Hasan took over, but meekly gave up his title when some guy named Mu'awiyah confronted him with large numbers of armed men. Apparently it's all good and well being part of a divinely blessed bloodline, but that doesn't count for much when someone sticks a sword in you.

Anyway, as a result the Ummayyad Dynasty came to power, and was successful enough for everyone to forget about the Prophet's family and forge a new united future together.

Ha!

Just kidding. In reality a lot of Muslims sat and stewed and grumbled and moaned that Mohammed's grandchildren were being deprived of their birthright. On the other hand, supporters of the status quo were pissed that the outpourings of the Prophet's loins were not pulling their weight and backing the Ummayad's duly designated Caliphs.

Eventually Yazid, Mu'awiyah's son and successor was fed up with it all, and demanded that Husayn bin Ali, now leader of the "family", acknowledge the Caliph's pre-eminence. In what historians would later dub a "retarded move", Husayn pretty much gave Yazid the finger.

Above: Yeah Yazid? You and what army?

Yazid didn't get mad. He got even. Knowing that there's no religious dispute that can't be solved by cutting people's heads off, he sent an army to confront Husayn and his family.

About a hundred and twenty people stood there, defying Yazid, including some particularly feisty ninety-year old women and a few babies. The Caliph knew that such a formidiable opponent would require a carefully crafted army of the appropriate size.

Ten thousand, should do the trick. Yeah, 1 and 4 zeroes. Against old women and babies. Probably not courageous, but better to be safe than sorry. Yazid wasn't taking any chances.

Wikipedia uses admirable (if idiotic) neutrality in calling the outcome "an apparent victory" for Yazid, but a mere glance of the figures shows that it couldn't be anything but a bloodbath for Husayn's forces, no matter how much romantic polish later Islamic historians would daub over the sordid details.

Above: Pretty much how the Battle of Karbala ended.

In the end, Husayn's severed head was shown to his enemies as proof of the victory, and Yazid wiped his hands and said, "Well, that's that."

Unfortunately for the Yaz, when it comes to religion, never underestimate the dedication of the last die-hards, particularly when they have a juicy, real martyrdom to inspire them, one you rather stupidly provided them with. Husayn's murder split the Islamic world into the groups we would later know as Sunni (mainstream, orthodox and essentially the descendants of Yazid's followers) and Shiite. The Shiites maintain their own "alternative" list of Caliphs - all descended from Husayn and all having met their dooms in various gory and bloody ways on the orders of Sunni Caliphs. The heresy would never die, however, and each attempt by the Sunni overlords to stamp it out only seemed to encourage its spread.

Except of course for the famous 12th Imam. Muhammad al-Mahdi. What apparently happened to him was that shortly after succeeding his father at the age of five he disappeared in a process called "occultation" and is in fact still alive, being kept hidden by God until such a day as when he returns, with Jesus in tow, to bring about the end of the world as we know it.

Yes, that's right, he's 1200 years or so old, and trapped down a well or something like that. So much more plausible than the theory that he was simply quietly taken off and murdered somewhere like all the other Shia Imams. You want proof? Well, is the word of the Iranian President enough for you? He's been hearing the kid his whole life.

In the end though, it does all seem a bit of a load of horse Shi'ite to me.

(Told you I could end on a joke...)

Posted by Quentin George at June 4, 2009 09:04 PM