Alea iacta est

In the Beginning, Man Created God, Part VIII

Previously on "YHWH's Excellent Adventure"

Part 1: Thus Spoke Zarathustra. In which we learn that YHWH wasn't the first god to want to be alone.

Part 2: YHWH rules, Chemosh drools! In which we learn most of Biblical history was pulled out of King Josiah's backside.

Part 3: By the Rivers of Babylon. In which the Hebrews crib most of their afterlife from the Persians.

Part 4: Alex the Kid in Hellenic World. In which Alexander the Great conquers the known world and everyone learns to love, Greek-style.

Interlude: Danny Boy, the Lions, the Lions are calling. In which Daniel becomes a Prophet despite not knowing the first things about his own surroundings.

Part 5: I ♥ MACCABEES. In which the flame of cosmopolitan Hellenism is snuffed out by religious fundamentalists.

Part 6: Quacks, Kooks and Loons of the Roman Empire. In which we see that the early Roman Empire was a utopia for two bit religious frauds and crazy cults.

Up next...

Part 7: Would the real Messiah Please Stand Up?

Everybody (well, except Mandaeans) loves Jesus. Even Jews have learned to love the guy (mostly through centuries of religious oppression, but isn't that what love's all about?)

Above: The big guy, JC himself.

And why wouldn't you love him? Look at that totally awesome beard - Jesus shows that not all men with facial hair are violent, insane or sleazy pieces of shit. The ladies love him (how could you not love a guy so good with kids, or so caring with his own mother) and the guys want to be him (or in some cases, they want to do him too. Nothing wrong with turning gay for JC! Just ask the Children of God).

You can read all about the guy's rise from humble carpenter to apotheosized saviour in a fabulous book we call the "New Testament". It's a thrilling tale of one man's inspiring life, heartwarming moral mission, and embarrassingly bloody death.

What a shame that, in the words of Penn and Teller, it's all....bullshit.

Most people who read the Bible come away with a few wrong impressions. The first is that the accounts of Jesus were written by people who knew him personally, and the second is that they were written when people who knew Jesus were still alive. Both of these beliefs are wrong.

One of the issues with understanding the New Testament is that the order they are arranged in the Bible is, to put it bluntly, crap. Especially if you want to know in which order the works were written.

So, go on, have a guess. Which do you think was the first written part of the New Testament?

If you named one of the Gospels, you're wrong. If, on the other hand, you named the Epistles of Paul, you are correct.

(If you fingered Revelation you are a moron. Sorry, no two ways about it).

The earliest portion of the New Testament, according to most modern scholarship, is Paul's First Epistle to the Thessalonians, estimated to have been written no earlier than 49 AD, at least 15 years after Jesus is estimated to have died, and written by someone who freely admits to having never met the bloke. This, in other words, gives us our earliest depiction of Jesus, in which you will notice something:

• No mention of the details of Jesus' life - virgin birth, crucifixion, empty tombs.
• Not a single quote from Jesus
• No mention even of when Jesus lived. (in fact, with just this epistle as a guide, you get the impression Jesus died a lot longer than 20 years ago).
• Paul fully expects that Jesus will return in his lifetime, and the lifetime of those he is writing to.

Paul is the first figure in Christian history who we can even be certain existed - all the others, including Jesus and his twelve apostles, have left so few attested writings or other related biographical details that a lot of scholars have begun to deduce that some, or indeed, all, of them never existed.

Above: Did Paul of Tarsus pretty much invent modern Christianity as a result of becoming delusional due to a epileptic fit on the way to Syria? Probably!

As you go through the genuine Pauline Epistles, a disturbing trend emerges: They say very little on the details of Jesus, and they very rarely quote from him, and, when they do, they quote sayings that appear nowhere in the Gospels. In fact, you might begin to notice another trend: the more time that passes, the more authors seem to "know" about the life of Jesus, and the more fantastic and unbelievable those details seem to be.

In fact, its quite similar to how both the King Arthur and Robin Hood legends have developed. Everyone "knows" that King Arthur's wife Guinevere had a tragic affair with his best knight, Lancelot, despite the fact Lancelot is a relatively late addition to the mythos. Just the same as everyone "knows" that Robin Hood was a loyal subject of the true King, Richard the Lion-Heart, and fought against the usurper John, despite the fact the first Robin Hood stories talked of "our good King Edward".

In fact, even the familiar bearded Jesus may be made up shit. In the early days of Christianity, Jesus was depicted as beardless, golden haired, and often dressed in Greco-Roman attire. His earliest depictions, in fact, more resemble the god Apollo, more than anything else, and he was often in artworks holding a wand, making him some sort of prototype Harry Potter.

Above: Jesus and his disciples depicted in early Roman catacombs. Anti-Semites may rejoice...Not a Jew in sight!

As Christianity spread, most people depicted Jesus as a member of their own ethnicity, meaning now you can find Nordic Jesus, Italian Jesus, Hispanic Jesus, Greek Jesus, Black Jesus, Japanese Jesus and any variety you like. He's like ice-cream...a flavour for everyone!

But surely the Bible at least gives us vague pointers on the man himself?

In fact, the Bible is mostly silent on the physical appearance of Jesus. Many have taken note on the fact that Judas apparently has to identify Jesus for the Roman soldiers, indicating he was indistinguishable from most Jews who were his disciples. On the other hand, maybe the Romans were ignorant in a "They all look the same to me!" manner, or perhaps they were just idiots.

There is one description of Jesus, which can be found in Revelation 1:13-16.

1:13 And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
1:14 His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
1:15 And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
1:16 And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

So JC is apparently white-haired, with flaming eyes, metal feet and a sword sticking out of his mouth.

Hmmm....

Above: This is apparently how Jesus will look on Judgement Day. Tell me that's not awesome!

Coming up:

Part 8: The Greatest Story Ever Made Up

Posted by Quentin George at August 23, 2008 02:26 PM