Alea iacta est

In the Beginning, Man Created God, Part VI

Previously on "YHWH's Excellent Adventure"

Part 1: Thus Spoke Zarathustra. In which we learn that YHWH wasn't the first god to want to be alone.

Part 2: YHWH rules, Chemosh drools! In which we learn most of Biblical history was pulled out of King Josiah's backside.

Part 3: By the Rivers of Babylon. In which the Hebrews crib most of their afterlife from the Persians.

Part 4: Alex the Kid in Hellenic World. In which Alexander the Great conquers the known world and everyone learns to love, Greek-style.

Interlude: Danny Boy, the Lions, the Lions are calling. In which Daniel becomes a Prophet despite not knowing the first things about his own surroundings.

Up next...

Part 5: I ♥ MACCABEES

It is 170 BC. The Jewish people were chafing under the Greek yoke.

No, that isn't a smutty sexual reference (though knowing the Greeks, you can never be quite sure). After many decades of domination by the heirs of Alexander, the people of Judea were going in two directions. A substantial section of the population, attracted by Hellenic cosmopolitanism (not to mention those gorgeous togas), had built a Gymnasium, started competing in the Greek games and, according to the Bible, "removed marks of circumcision".

How they did they last bit I'm not sure...presumably they stuck it back on?

Anyhow, the other part of the community consisted of the traditionalists - guys who really hated everything Greek: philosophy, pork, the exercise of the mind and body, institutionalized homosexuality and foreskins.

It seemed incredibly likely that these two groups would come to heads and they did eventually, when King Antiochus IV Epiphanes decided to drag those Jews out of the Ghetto, and make them into good Greek boys. Not being a subtle sort of person, Epiphanes did that using a few, how shall we put it, bold policies.

1) He had the Onias III, the Jewish High Priest, replaced by the more pro-Epiphanes Jason.

2) Then he had Jason replaced with some guy named Menelaus who wasn't even of the priestly Levite caste. He in fact received the position thanks to a hefty bribe. Menelaus' brother, Lysimachus, then decided to help himself to a few of the holy items from the temple. Hey, what's family for?

3) Apparently bored with the High-Priest switcheroo, the King then went into overdrive. He banned Jewish sacrifice, the sabbath, and other festivals, outlawed circumcision (which the Greeks always saw as body mutilation) and then put a big honking statue of Zeus in the Temple.

Above: Come on, he looks pretty harmless to me...what's the big deal? He's a rapist you say? Oh....

You can't say Antiochus didn't have balls. Brains, on the other hand...

The outlawing of Jewish religious practice proved the final straw. A Jewish priest from bumpkinville, Matthias the Hasmonean, decided the government was evil and godless, and had to be removed, thus being a role model to redneck revolutionaries for millennia to come. God bless.

Matthias struck a blow for religious tolerance by murdering a Jew who dared make an idol sacrifice in Matthias' name, then, along with his five sons, Matthias went bush to start a guerilla war. After Matthias death, his son, Judah, continued the war and eventually brought it to a successful conclusion, cleansing his homeland of the "Greeks" (read: mostly Hellenized Jews) and setting up a "pure" theocracy were the laws of YHWH would brook no interference, where the righteous would be free to stone infidels, mensturating women would be imprisoned, over-zealous barbers arrested, and
the worth of a woman no more than 2/3 that of a man.

If you're looking for a modern day parallel....think these guys:

Above: Ok...not exactly fair. Mullah Omar and the Taliban, unlike the Maccabees, would have had no problem with Greek pedestry.

This momentous piece of religious reaction is now celebrated as Hannukah, and Christopher Hitchens picks up on the inherent squick aspect to celebrating it alongside Christmas.

Starting now to see the propaganda value of the Book of Daniel? We know it was bunk and now you see why such a bunk book was written. It was a propaganda piece for the Maccabees, with the message saying: "Don't give in to Babylonian (ie Greek) polytheism! Stay true to faith of YHWH and the evil king, Belshazzar (Antiochus) will be defeated!"

Anyway, the war would continue under the Maccabee family until Simon Maccabaeus became both High Priest of Judaism and Prince of Judea - never mind that the Jewish people were only supposed to acknowledge Kings of the Davidic line, and never mind that the posts of High Priest and monarch were supposed to be separate, Simon was a big man, with a big army and secured the independence of Judea from the Syrians with the help of the Romans, a new, powerful, garlic-scented group of hard-nuts on the block. What's a little heresy between friends, eh, Simon?

Under the Maccabees two things of note occured: the separation of the Jewish leadership into the Sadducees (supporters of the new Jewish government, temple worship and the priestly class) and the Pharisees (champions of the common folk). Simon's successor, John Hyrcanus, even spread Judaism beyond the Jewish religion, with the conquest and conversion of the Edomites, probably the only instance of forced conversion to Judaism in history.

But by Hyrcanus' day, Jewish power was well and truly waning. By the time of his death, the Romans were well and truly calling the shots. Eventually, in 63 BC, fresh from conquering Syria, the Roman general Pompey the Great intervened in a Jewish civil war, captured Jerusalem and turned Judea into the roman province of Iudea.

Curious about this crazy religion he'd heard so much about, Pompey entered the temple and, finding no icons, statues or representation of their god, concluded Jews were both utterly barmy and totally boring.

But things were about to get a whole lot more interesting...

Coming up: Part 6: Quacks, Kooks and Loons of the Roman Empire.

Posted by Quentin George at August 8, 2008 09:41 PM