Alea iacta est

In the Beginning, Man Created God III

Apologies for the delay with this update - a router problem meant I was unable to connect to the Internet for most of the weekend.

Anyhow, in previous installments, we've traced the incredible journey of monotheism from its beginnings in Persia and Egypt, and we've looked at Josiah, King of Judah, and his fabrication of Biblical history to provide himself with historical and theological justification to rule his northern neighbour.

So, where to next?

Part 3: By the Rivers of Babylon

Well, let's go forward a few centuries to around 720 BC. The northern kingdom, after centuries of bumbling kings and petty rivalries is wiped out by the Assyrians, who cart most of the people off into slavery, and repopulate it with people from elsewhere in the Assyrian empire. These are the origins of the "Ten Lost Tribes" - only the two still in the southern kingdom (Judah and Benjamin) remained.

Well, so the story went. Recent studies have begun to suggest that a bulk of the population may have remained in the area, intermarried with colonist from elsewhere in the empire, and slowly assimilated into the great Assyrian culture.

Regardless, we don't hear anything else of them in history, so who really gives a toss? At this point in the story, we've got one Hebrew kingdom left - Judah - and that's where most of the interesting stuff will happen.

As a side point, Israel's demise came about the same time as a mania for crazy, hygiene-challenged, wild-bearded prophets jogging out of the desert to tell everyone how pissed God was at them. As a result, in Hebrew culture such people came to be revered as figures of wisdom, and believed to have had actual prophetic powers, rather than, say, just being disgusting, old homeless men.

But on to Judah!

Absorbing a flood of refugees from the north, Judah rapidly found itself of more importance in the ancient world. Of course, whether it really wanted to important was another thing altogether, as that importance seemed to entail being a chew-toy of the various powers in the region - Egypt, Assyria and, eventually, Babylon.

By the sixth century BC, Babylon had only recently thrown off the yoke of Assyria, and were strutting around the Fertile crescent like nobody's business. And what better way for an ambitious, young crew with everything to prove to assert themselves than to take on everyone's favourite butt-monkey, Judah?

Predictably, Judah got spanked (Sadly, as you may have noticed, most of the greatest victories of the ancient Hebrew peoples are fictitious), and Jerusalem was razed to the ground, including the First Temple. The Babylonian King, Nebuchadrezzar II (the Bible misnames him "Nebuchadnezzar") carted off the inhabitants to Babylon, where they would mope for many a year by the rivers of the Tigris, while, presumably, successive Babylonian kings stood, arms on hips, laughing, saying "Ha Ha! Take that Judah!"

Above: Recent archaeological evidence suggests Nebuchanezzar looked exactly like Saddam Hussein. Whether that also means he was found in a spider-hole by the Persians is unknown.

All very interesting, I know, but what does this have to do with the development of Jewish theology?

Well, believe it or not, the Babylonians weren't going to have everything their own way. Now, what the Jews really need right now is a plucky hero, maybe a foreigner for that exotic touch, but, just to be on the safe side, let's make him a Judeophile. Ah, I have just the man.

Enter....Cyrus.

Having already conquered Media and Lydia, Cyrus dutifully ended the Neo-Babylonian Empire as well, and upon reaching Babylon decided the last thing the place needed was a whole bunch of Jews hanging round.

Unlike modern Iranian rulers, Cyrus was interested in religious tolerance, the return of Jews to their homeland, and well manicured facial hair.

Above: How dare you place me next to this filthy Zionist!

Yes, Cyrus was a Zionist. I'm sorry Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but it's true. The Jews declared him their "anointed one", or more, correctly, Messiah. I bet you thought that title reserved for Jesus, huh? Cyrus even let them rebuild their temple! You'd be hard pressed to find an Iranian these days who would even let a Jew set foot upon the Temple Mount, let alone rebuild the temple.

Persian influence would be deep on the religion of the refugees of Judah. Before the Babylonian captivity, Judaism had no heaven or hell - merely a shadowy afterlife called "Sheol". The modern conceptions of a paradise and a place of punishment came later, after Zoroastrian influence, and were duly passed down to Christianity and Islam, who spiced them with their own influences.

Additionally, before Persia, "Satan", which means "adversary", was merely one of many loyal followers of YHWH, whose duty was to punish men on YHWH's behalf. After Persia, Satan suddenly became *the* Adversary, absorbing elements of the Persian Ahriman. What was a henotheism turned monotheism was rapidly turning into a dualism. What we now know as angels and demons also entered Judaism from Zoroastrianism at this time, creating some of the most confusing, if intriguing bits of theology.

Above: Before the great Persian ret-con, Satan used to be good. Well, not really. He was still an arsehole, but only because God made him be one. Hugs!

Anyhow, loaded with goodwill, and eager to see their homeland, the Jews arrived back in their homeland to find a whole bunch of other people there, partying down with golden calfs and pagan idols. The Bible, which as we know is the Official Propaganda of Judah Regime(tm)... bemoans the land's lapse into paganism, but it is more likely a natural syncretic evolution had occured while the others were away a revolution that the refugees, like all religious puritans, wanted no part of.

The Temple was rebuilt, and Jewish history continued, looking grandly towards the future with a sense of hope and optimism. However, as we've seen, just as things look to be going well for God's Chosen(tm), the universe decides its time for another spiritual wedgie, and this time the wedgie was going to be done....Greek-Style.

UP NEXT: Part 4: Alex the Kid in Hellenic World

Posted by Quentin George at June 29, 2008 08:07 PM