Alea iacta est

In the Beginning, Man Created God II

In our last installment we saw how about three thousand years ago the Persians first came upon the idea that having one deity was better than lots, especially when it comes to remembering their names. (Anyone remember more than about six Egyptian gods? Really?)

Now, after briefly touching on early experimentations in monotheism, let's take a look at the oldest one which has survived to retain any sort of influence.

(Sorry Zoroaster, Freddie Mercury aside, I can't really name many people who follow your religion.)

Above: The end product of a three thousand year old faith.

Part 2: YHWH rules, Chemosh drools!

I'm sure most of you already know the fabulous tale of Jewish history, starting from a pair of naked lovers frolicking in carefully maintained garden, through several generations of implausibly long-lived patriarchs and their equally ancient wives, followed to a migration and accidental slavery in Egypt. Add in a awe-inspiring liberation, a bloody conquest of a promised land, and a line of glorious, noble and heroic Kings and you have what is perhaps one of the greatest national founding histories of all time.

It's a shame then that its mostly bollocks.

The first few books of the Bible are great if you're into implausible events, casual violence, implied or actual incest, and thundering, blustering sky gods, but if it is history you are after, its best to look elsewhere. Reality is never so sexy.

I know what you're asking....Does this guy really have to write so tediously?, that and, How does know its all bollocks?

Well, the main issue with the events in the Bible is that they are not verifiable, in that they only appear in that text (and there is no record of them anywhere else) and that which does appear, is often wildly conflicting with official history.

Ancient Egypt has some of the most meticulous history of the ancient world. Yet nowhere in their records is any hint of a Hebrew adviser named "Joseph", a later mass migration and then mass subjugation of Hebrews, twelve plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the apparent death of a Pharaoh in pursuit of the Hebrews and so forth. It's simply not mentioned.

Ah, but I hear you say now, "Of course it isn't mentioned, the Egyptians would never record something that humiliating."

Above: This never happened. Also, Moses wouldn't have been black. Sorry Afrocentrists.

Well, probably not as such - after all, Ramesses II did record a stalemate with the Hittites as a glorious victory but then....he did still record it. We don't even find a biased, self-serving, twisted account of the Exodus in Egyptian history. Instead....silence. Many have made valiant attempts to tie the Biblical account to various known events of antiquity, even the destruction of Thera in Crete, but most are mere supposition.

In fact the first plausible account of Hebrews in Egyptian history is on the Amarna Stele, during the reign of Pharaoh Akhenation, and refers to the Hebrews (or "Habiru") as existing outside Egypt. For all intents and purposes, as far as history is concerned, the Hebrews always lived in the land of Canaan. The mythological account of Exodus and Joshua's conquest is just that....myth.

So what of the rest?

Genesis? Mostly a stitched together work from earlier Sumerian myths, including borrowings from the Sumerian King Lists (like the Bibles, early Sumerian Kings allegedly lived for almost 1,000 years), and, in particular, the Epic of Gilgamesh.

For those not familiar with it, the Epic of Gilgamesh includes a world-wide flood, a fruit from a tree that grants great power (just like in Eden), a hero who is of partly-divine descent (just like the Nephilim of Genesis).

Above: Come on, you know this guy is way cooler than Noah.

So, did the writers of the Bible simply steal Gilgamesh, file off the serial number, and slap a new name on him?

Well, yeah, pretty much.

Hold on! Aren't the first five books of the Bible written by Moses himself?

Traditionally, it was believed to be true, yes. However people eventually found a few problems with that, least of all that the fifth book ends as such:

So Moses the servant of the LORD died there in the land of Moab, according to the word of the LORD. And he buried him in a valley in the land of Moab, over against Bethpeor: but no man knoweth of his sepulchre unto this day.

And there arose not a prophet since in Israel like unto Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face.

Yes, apparently Moses describes his own death, burial, and posthumous reputation. What a guy. Also Numbers describes Moses as "the meekest man ever to live." It's generally not considered a sign of humility to go around saying how humble you are.

So, if not Moses, then who is the author? And when did they write this?

We'll get to that in a bit. Right now let's go to the first truly verifiable point of Jewish history.

No, it's not the conquest of Canaan. No, it's not the appointing of Saul as King, nor the reign of David, nor his son Solomon. It's quite a bit later.

Around 900 BC, some time after Zoroaster was rocking in Ancient Persia, two kingdoms were sitting in Canaan - the northern Kingdom of Israel and the Southern Kingdom of Judah. The Bible as you well know, claims that they are the two disunited halves of the Kingdom of Saul, David and Solomon, but there's no proof of that (and plenty to indicate such a kingdom never existed). Instead it is more likely that the Kingdoms were natural and indigenous to the area and, though they shared a similar culture, were no more similar to each other than any of the other Canaanite nations.

They most likely had similar gods to their neighbours too. Yes, you heard me right. Gods. The early Hebrews weren't monotheistic, they were at best henotheistic. They not only believed YHWH was a god, but also Chemosh, Baal, Astarte and Ra. YHWH wasn't worshiped because he was the only god - he was worshipped because he was the state god of Judah. In fact the "lapsing into Paganism" we see in the Bible was more likely just run of the mill polytheism, unexceptional in the era, but now distorted through the lens of Judah-penned propaganda.

So, if there was never a United Kingdom...why imply otherwise? Fairly simple really, as the southern kingdom, an underpopulated backwater, mostly rural, would need to have territorial claims to the northern one, so invented the fiction that Judah's monarch was in fact the "true" monarchy of both kingdoms, and that Israel's rulers were debauched usurpers.

Most of the early books were probably compiled from oral sources, edited and written during the reign of King Josiah of Judah (around 650 BC), who attempted to assert control over the northern kingdom. He's also credited with "restoring God's law" over his people, when he "found" a book of the Torah in the old temple.

Yeah, right, "found".

If you're Jewish, Christian or Muslim, take the time to digest and swallow that. A great portion of what you believe today owes itself to a sixth-century BC King's desire to conquer his northern neighbour.

Above: ....and make sure that, once I conquer Israel, it says I can have an absolutely huge palace, and harem, with lots of gold and girls and....are you priests getting all this? I don't want to repeat myself...

Posted by Quentin George at June 25, 2008 09:13 PM